Wednesday, January 11, 2006
I am feeling sort of blah and icky lately... In a dark funk and just tired and frustrated... and for once it isn't even cause of E.... Maybe it's the weather or time of year - not sure but just having one of those moments... I am shorter w/the boys and things like mom clinking dishes as she washes them behind me drives me to want to scream at her STOP!!!! Ethen has been a little fussy in the afternoons - he's teething AGAIN and this time it's not going as smoothly as the last 8 teeth... All he wants is to be held and I just want to have a little quiet... The boys are just boys and for the most part they are good - but they do things like sneak all the fruit snacks in the am and eat them all or they get up early and play the Xbox before school KNOWING that is NOT allowed... OR Deven plays football in the hall when I ask and then tell him REPEATEDLY not to do that.... Nothing out of the ordinary - just normal things were they are constantly testing me and lately I end up screaming at them which I HATE HATE HATE... I know some of it is my own fault - I stopped taking my meds - well today I started them again... and I am working on my self image - I started going to gym each evening and I am doing Weight Watchers Points (on my own in a modified version but serious about it) - I want to drop atleast 25 lbs by Easter - which is doable - I just have to stick with it - and everytime I look in the mirror I get my motivation to stick with it.... UGH!!!
Then there is my message boards... I honestly only hang out on two that I have any real attachment to - my April 05 one at BB.net and my Oct 99 one at TPP... Both have had their share of turmoil and drama but seem to have lasting power... ESP the Oct 99 one - we have been together for 7 yrs now and I have met many of the gals in person and plan to attend another meet this summer... Well the site we are at is closing down after next month so we are looking at moving again... The whole subject brings up the pain and drama of the last move when we left Ivillage/Parents Place... Man I got my ass bit off that time and ok maybe I wasn't the most emotionally detached but I was wrung thru the ringer.... I guess the hurt is still not completely scabbed over cause it's been brought back to the surface with the news of our current site closing down... Someone commented about the current group leaders doing sooo much to keep us together and man that just made me feel like crap - forgotten and unappreciated.... Then again I do little more then lurk since all the drama and I am sure I could be missing for a couple weeks and not missed... Common sense tells me I am being too sensitive and overly dramatic but I am having a major WOE IS ME day...... OH well - gotta just keep moving on.... A friend just reminded me that while it's not right - the people most visually in the leader position get all the credit and past leaders are forgotten and it's true.... Those directly in the line of fire at the moment get all the credit or all the crap.... I guess that's why it's lonely at the top.... Ok enough wallowing... Others have it far worse then I.... It's off to nibble on lunch... Til next time....
PS. If you managed to read all of this post and follow my train of thought you can have the extra brownies that are no longer allowed at my house! *L* You earned them - just come and get them!!!
Then there is my message boards... I honestly only hang out on two that I have any real attachment to - my April 05 one at BB.net and my Oct 99 one at TPP... Both have had their share of turmoil and drama but seem to have lasting power... ESP the Oct 99 one - we have been together for 7 yrs now and I have met many of the gals in person and plan to attend another meet this summer... Well the site we are at is closing down after next month so we are looking at moving again... The whole subject brings up the pain and drama of the last move when we left Ivillage/Parents Place... Man I got my ass bit off that time and ok maybe I wasn't the most emotionally detached but I was wrung thru the ringer.... I guess the hurt is still not completely scabbed over cause it's been brought back to the surface with the news of our current site closing down... Someone commented about the current group leaders doing sooo much to keep us together and man that just made me feel like crap - forgotten and unappreciated.... Then again I do little more then lurk since all the drama and I am sure I could be missing for a couple weeks and not missed... Common sense tells me I am being too sensitive and overly dramatic but I am having a major WOE IS ME day...... OH well - gotta just keep moving on.... A friend just reminded me that while it's not right - the people most visually in the leader position get all the credit and past leaders are forgotten and it's true.... Those directly in the line of fire at the moment get all the credit or all the crap.... I guess that's why it's lonely at the top.... Ok enough wallowing... Others have it far worse then I.... It's off to nibble on lunch... Til next time....
PS. If you managed to read all of this post and follow my train of thought you can have the extra brownies that are no longer allowed at my house! *L* You earned them - just come and get them!!!
